Wednesday, August 6, 2008

My Dreams and Goals in Life!

It's 12:30 in the evening (Philippine time), I became suddenly emotional about what's happening in my life. I thought of my goals and dreams in life way back when I was still undectable from the sonar of HIV/ AIDS radar.
My goals and dreams are:
To have a son or a daughter of my own.
Yes, that's correct! I want to have a kid of my own. Actually I was asking my friends if they know any girls who want to carry my child and in return I'll give her money and a 9 months all expenses paid, worry free caring. Provided that after giving birth she will sign a document that she will not run after the child. You're asking why not marry? Why don't you? Have you seen the statistics of marriages that's being annuled or divorced lately? Especially in my situation I experienced both worlds people it's like a switch sometimes you can turn it off and be straight again but most of the time it's on, you know what I mean? Another reason is, no offense to all the wives there but everytime I see couples fighting with one another mastering the art of throwing anything that they can grab. Oh man you won't believe me I experienced it first hand courtesy of my straight friends and their loving housewives. That's why I told myself "Bakit ako mag aasawa eh di parang kumuha ako ng bato na ipinukpok ko sa ulo ko!"
I believe that you cannot say that you are successfull unless you have a successor! I want to raise my on kid, nourish him/her with my love and affection, giving him/her what he/she needs. I am imagining myself going to Glorietta 4, there will be a minimum of 3 cars that will park along the driveway of Glorietta 4. The first car is a white Chevrolet Suburban, the second car is a white 7 series BMW and the third car is a white Toyota Landcruiser. All the drivers of these 3 cars are wearing all black uniform with headsets on their ears. The doors of the Chevrolet Suburban will open and 4 men also wearing their black uniforms with their headsets on their ears will go down and one of them will open the back door of the 7 series BMW. Wearing my cream Cuban shirt made by Bergamo paired with black khaki pants and black leather sandals I will go down together with my kid. At the same time additional 2 black uniformed men and 2 nanny's wearing their white uniform will go down from the Toyota Landcruiser and will follow us while we are roaming around the mall. You will ask "Why do you have alot of bodyguards?" Yes, I dreamed to be a politician at least to be a representative of our district in congress. But as soon as I came to my senses that I am bisexual, gay or homosexual whatever you may call it, I dropped the idea of being a politician. You will ask again "Why?" Simply because if you want your trash, secrets or your bad deeds to come out without making any effort the easiest way is to join politics and your enemies will do the job for you at their own expense, even if it's not true.
But all of these is now just a dream that will never come true. My doctor said that if ever I will get someone pregnant the chances of the mother and the child of getting infected with HIV is high. That's why I don't want to take the risk of getting them infected because I just want to have a kid. Now my goal is to make the life of other people better in my own sim ple way and not to ruin them.
It's so ironic many people will say to you especially in H4 Pavillion "Be Positive!" I always tell them "Aren't we POSITIVE already? and all of us we laugh. That's how we take things nowadays. But despite of this trial in my life I still continue to dream, I try to achieve my goals in life for without them there will be no reason for me to stay in this beautiful world.

That's why to all of you, continue to dream
even if it is......


Mico Lauron said...

Yes. True. Never cease to dream for with all these, we begin to see how hopeful we still are and that life is pretty much beautiful to live.

much love. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi. Musta?

I hope you're fine.

HIV situation in the Philippines is really bad. People are not educated and therefore the risk of transmitting the virus is very high. There are also underreported cases since they do not know the facts. I know a friend who has HIV and the sad thing is, they are the ones who frequently have casual sex.

I hope it will get better.

Anonymous said...

I love it when people speak out their dreams and goals.. reading them is a joy. To imagine you are going to attain it one day.

I say go for it, have a baby. They r the most beautiful thing.

Go marry! y not. If God has set a person to love then why not. Sombody to love, God sent and loving you back. I believe God will provide. If He says no. Then no. Y refuse if He has let somone to share your experience with.

But having another human bearing your child and having her sign a form not to run after ur kid would be cruel. Imagine somone is desperate for money but she had to do this and the trauma of missing a child would be too great even if she acts like nothing. This is a emotional hurt u can save not doing cos u already been thru a part of it. Mayb you and your beautiful future can discuss on adopting.

If i were to be grow up as your child, Im to learn to accept who you are, why is people fusing around me about my dad's illness. I lived wit it. I see that im fine. on top of that i hav d biggest trauma of having my real mom taken away from me.

Live your dream, plan well. Maximize it. I had a avm. Its a minor thing compare to aids. Becos of havin a vein being blown in my brain. Im weaker then i used to and hav to extra careful. Sombody told my dad in d face tat i coulnt marry. I guess he was thinkin about delivering a baby in the future. I say i will marry and have a kid if God already lay out His plans for me. Somtimes I get depressed about the things in my life, how i didnt perform better then I could. I realise the only thing holding me back is my stupid attitude not my sickness.

It hurts to hear that God has created you wonderfully before you were born. I was born with my condition. I finally understand that the conditions that i went thru only help me to trust God more. Do you? I hav to go so many scares and some hospital rides to remind me to trust God. It wasn't tat easy to say so. I can't go thru with my own strength. I realize God is really carrying me thru and there is a purpose for everything that is happened in our life. People may hurt us. We learn to hurt them back with words of truths. Every gold has go thru tremendous journey of fire to be super gold. You are super gold.

love 27 also.

drools said...

sorry i know how much you want to have a kid, a looking for a baby mama is not a good way for you to have a kid, first you have HIV, the risk of infecting both are crucial already, like what anonymous said, better adoption is the best option for you.

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Always yours,
miss MW